I wish I could explain to you how the beauty of this world
is a sign of something greater deeper and holy.
I wish I could tell you the world of my heart and how the blood
is more then just flowing pumping and bubbling through this body.
I wish I could let you in on the sound of my wife’s movements over the sheets in our bed. I wish I could share with you the feeling of not knowing where or what I am
when I am with family.
I wish I could parse out my feelings of shame from my thoughts of sin.
I wish I could speak the silence I heard in the snow in Switzerland.
I wish I could explain the heavens.
I wish I could explain the earth.
But all I have is a kind of indirect communication, which I call poetry.
And all I have are these hands and this mouth.
I am not a scientist. I am not a measurement or a number or an amount or a force.
I am not consensus reality or a social construct.
You cannot vote me in to reality according to majority rule
and then paradigm shift me into thin air like Pluto.
Furthermore, I am not a product of you and your ancestors social contract.
I am a son of God.
But I am not The Son of God.
Nor am I God, and God is not within me.
I am just a human. A simple human.
Don’t make me more then I am.
Also, I am not an Ape with a prefrontal cortex even though I may look like one or act like one. Looks can be deceiving.
I am not the product of millions or billions of years of evolution.
I am not so easily produced.
It took a God to create me.
It took imagination to create me.
It took love for god sake to create me.
In addition I am not a Jungian archetype or a Zodiac sign.
I am not so easily known.
It takes more then a map or chart or symbol to find my soul.
But I am findable.
I am knowable.
And that is not just my story or your story or our story.
The earth is no longer the center of the universe
The planets no longer move in perfect circles
The church is no longer holy
Progress is no longer great
Philosophy is no longer valuable
Politics are no longer virtuous
History is no longer trustworthy
Art is no longer uplifting
Family is no longer together
But just because we have deconstructed everything doesn’t mean we constructed everything. Just because God doesn’t operate like an algorithm or gravity or some predictable scientific principle doesn’t mean he is not real or is not knowable. Just because you disagree with me doesn’t mean we are both right or there is no truth with a capitol T. It just means we disagree. But someone has to be right and sadly someone has to be wrong. We don’t all get first place, we don’t all get straight A’s, we don’t all get the lead role, we don’t all get secure attachment, we don’t all get the love we deserve. But I have met those people and I want what they have and I am willing to work hard for it, I’m willing to go all in, I am willing to win and I am willing to lose everything.
And so yes I believe in the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.
I believe the good news and the bad news.
But I cannot find those things for you.
The best I can do is to try to find you and to help you find me.
I am knowable….this is the mess that I am.
I am trying to let you in but please keep knocking….keep knocking at my door.
I’m looking for the key to let you in but if you can reach one of my broken windows please let yourself in, even if I am scared to see you in this scattered place. I’d rather be scared then alone.